So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
