My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
