I hope mine doesn't look like that
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
