I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
