I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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