After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Ladies don't puke and tell
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
