So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
