My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize