fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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