theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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