If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
