I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
