Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
