Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize