I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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