Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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