You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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