I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
