just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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