you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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