my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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