Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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