I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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