I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
