this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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