My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
