I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
