1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
