I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
