god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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