so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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