On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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