My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
