I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
