he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
