i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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