You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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