I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
