We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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