I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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