he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
