Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
