Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
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I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
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You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar