when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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