Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles