At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
