Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
