the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
