god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
