Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
