They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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