We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
