Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
