3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
