she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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