I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
being pregnant is like rehab
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
