I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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