i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
