What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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