If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
