I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
