So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
