thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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