i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
