Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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